Wellness Wheel

Of course there is plenty of room for more good dads. Saying that the problem of absenteeism and weak father/child connections in the black community and across communities is solved would be insane. However, I think that the push to convince the world that good dads exist is essentially over. You can’t look at the leader of the free world, Barack Obama, and wonder if there are any good dads. I try not to reference world leaders, celebrities, or super rich people with tons of resources when I talk about good dads mainly because I don’t know any world leaders, celebrities, or super rich dads personally. But I do know bloggers (and also dads who don’t care about blogging in the least) who love nothing more than spending time with their children and coming up with ways to make their lives more fulfilling.

I believe it’s time to re-frame the dad discussion. At the risk of sounding cliche, times are changing. I’m not sure if I can, or want to, keep up with the times, but for argument’s sake let’s say I do (is that my tongue pressed against my cheek?). What I would propose would be to look at dads through a wellness lens. As a whole person, not just some lame dude who can’t change a diaper without duct tape, who matters.

Each dad is a man first. He can have all kinds of pluses and minuses. He can be eight different kinds of jerk, or two kinds of jerk and six kinds of cool, or any combination thereof. But every time, no matter how you do the math, those eight parts will be one whole man who can be loved or hated or both or neither. That’s why I am exploring a wellness approach that considers the entire dad. I’ve always had more ambition than hours in the day, so we’ll see what happens.

1. Fatherhood is hard. It’s hard to get into the groove of fatherhood. We don’t carry babies for nine months in our bodies, or breast feed. It’s not really in our nature to be nurturing. We are wired to bonk dinner over the head with a club, bring it home, and ask wifey nicely to cook it. We are wired to go to work and to give most if not all of our money to the family, and that’s about it. Unfortunately, if we cannot do that we sometimes run feeling like we have not fulfilled our caveman duty. The “fight or flight” response seems to come into play. That’s why BDC stress the connection. If you connect to the family, you probably won’t run.

2. Fatherhood is easy. Getting into the grove of fatherhood is a choice. You say to yourself “I want in on this whole dad thing” and you do it. You know that you are not wired to be particularly nurturing, but you choose to work on that and build it up like a muscle. You still bonk dinner over the head, bring it home, but instead of giving it to wifey, you may even cook it. You go to work and make a few bucks (or more), but you try to get home in time for dinner whenever you can, and you know that your money isn’t enough to sustain your family. You know your family needs you. You don’t run. That running ridiculousness does’t even cross your mind. You know you want to be connected, so you connect the best way you know how.

3. Father’s Day is awesome. It’s no Christmas, or even Mother’s Day for that matter, but it’s the one day that Dads who don’t suck can pat themselves on the back. It’s the day where we can cook anything we want to on our grills. The day where we won’t feel guilty about watching the game. The day where our kids treat us like we are rock stars. The day where dads remember what it’s all for.

Happy father’s day to all you dads out there who are just doing your thing every day and not caring about statistics, blogger’s opinions, or which celebrity has claimed dad of the year (as measured by being in the best photo playing with their kid). And to all of your almost dads who have one on the way. Cheers!

I haven’t taken a more traditional (for lack of a better term) route of many of the dad blogs that I enjoy, love, and respect (and that I have read for years) – I have simply followed my own path. All we can do is walk our own road and be who we are. I’m not a fancy guy, but I do care about dads, and probably kids even more because any energy I try to give to dads directly supports kids. I like to think of my non-profit, Black Dad Connection, as a children’s non-profit by way of dads.

I’m still moving forward, enjoying the process, and exploring concepts and ideas in fatherhood that I hope will be of value to someone, somewhere.

I have merged fatherdad.com with BDC because it seems natural. The blog is here, the book is here, and the non-profit is here all making up the Black Dad Connection so far. Thank you for all of your support over the last six years. I look forward to the future!

What the heck am I talking about? Like a man I go off on tangents (or so the wife says). I will bring it back full circle: it’s about wellness stupid. I had taken myself around the world over the ideas and concepts that make up Black Dad Connection, and called them all kinds of things, when at the end of the day it took a conversation with a couple of new friends to name it. I was explaining the BDC program and he said – “it sounds like a wellness organization to me.” I chuckled and realized he was right. This, in simplest terms, is a “wellness” organization for families by way of focusing on the overall wellness of dads. We are taking a whole-dad change approach, not just the tricks of the parenting trade or health tips. And we know and believe if dad is in a good and balanced, but not boring, place then the family unit likely will be as well. Or at least closer to it.

I have these occasional epiphanies and share them because it is part of a process. Nothing happens over night. My competence comes from my comfort in being me, being passionate, and being motivated to do this work, not from faking it. I’m a league or two away from being Geoff Canada, and I’m ok with that for now. A little patience goes a long way. Patience with persistence changes lives.

If you want to call me an advocate, say that I am a black (and brown!) male health and fatherhood advocate. Say I created BDC because disparities in African American health exist. Say I blog because injustice is still here (and in every paycheck Snooki receives). I do this work because I love this country and I don’t want to live anywhere else. If you say all that then all the haters won’t matter. Say these last few sentences are reductive because I borrowed this sentiment from my hero (and borrowed the word reductive from Madonna). As I understand it Dr. King was, like us, a human being and had a great sense of humor. In those times I am sure it was essential for him to be able to laugh given the work that he did.

While I take this work seriously please know that I got jokes (dry, maybe, but they are still jokes) and a rockstar mentality. I call it a rockstar mentality because like those guys I believe in having fun, being myself, and being outspoken in unique ways on the topics that are important to me like black male health and fatherhood. And I also like to trash hotel rooms. There will be towels on the floor, toothpaste in the sink, and unmade beds in Chi Town and Hotlanta this year! Rock on!

Just a heads up: BDC was given a grant to go to Atlanta and Chicago this year – in addition to our work in New York – to pull together community leaders, non-profit leaders, medical leaders, advocates and others to discuss what we can do to improve the health and fatherhood outcomes of black males. This is a year of action. These are exciting times indeed!